


Unforeseen Circumstances

by ShadowMaker



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Canon Divergent, Episode 58 Spoilers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Slow Burn, Vax is definitely traumatized, angst is happening, sorry everyone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-23
Updated: 2017-05-23
Packaged: 2018-11-03 23:07:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10977282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShadowMaker/pseuds/ShadowMaker
Summary: When Vax is stabbed by Hotis, it is not the rakshasa's face he sees but Gilmore's. It's fine, he says he's fine, he's over it, but deep down Vax knows that it's not true. He can barely look at Shaun without feeling helpless, the knife back in his abdomen.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! This is my first of hopefully many Critical Role fics! Please enjoy this, I have no idea how long it will be yet!
> 
> As always you guys can find me on tumblr as azothisdead.

Vax is still on his back, but he doesn't need to see Pike strike down Hotis to know that he can breathe easier. His ears are ringing and he can't hear Vex calling out for him; he tries to sit up and respond to her. It doesn't really work all that well. 

The other voices of Vox Machina reach his ears as Vex gently lifts his head and casts a minor healing spell on him. His ears stop ringing as Pike comes to assist her and all of Vax's senses shift back into focus at once. "- the hell happened?" Grog shouts, approaching Vax with his weapon still drawn. 

Something wet hits Vax's cheek and he looks up to see his sister's tear stained face. "Hey Stubby," he grins, "Sorry about all the trouble. Ra- rakshasa..." He coughs as he attempts to sign their group's little inside joke for the creature. Thankfully, his sister laughs. 

"No seriously what's going on." Grog looks a little confused and Percy reaches up to pat his shoulder, having only just arrived in the scene himself. Pike moves to take them aside to explain as Keyleth kneels next to the twins. 

It's at this point that the girls notice his attire. "Oh my god, Vax what are you wearing?!" Keyleth exclaims and Vax winces. Right. The robe. The gift he was so happy to receive from Gilmore only an hour before. 

"Hotis gave it to me. He was... he was disguised. I thought I could trust him." His voice starts shaking. Gilmore. The robe that was so comfortable before now feels like it's made of fire, and Vax can't stand to be wearing it anymore. "Get it off me... get it _off_! He clutches at the fabric, trying desparately to tear it off. 

And suddenly the imagined fire of still having the cloth against his skin becomes very, very real as Vex and Keyleth try to help him disrobe. Had Vax been in better condition, he probably could have dealt with the pain, but in this moment it was all too much. He screams. Loudly. 

The girls instantly stop and Vax blacks out. Another, more powerful, healing spell jolts him awake and for the second time that night Vax finds himself on his back looking up at the concerned faces of his family. It takes him a minute to realize that there's a ceiling above them now, and cold stone on his back. He's nude. The thought doesn't really embarrass him after everything they've been through. 

"I've discovered the purpose of the robe! It seems to contain an enchantment for flaying it's wearer, should it's removal be attempted. Well done Percy, for thinking to remove it within the anti-magic radius. I think Vax will- " It's Gilmore's voice. _Shaun's voice_. Vax shrinks into his sister's arms involuntarily. That's the same voice that offered him the robe in the first place, that drove a wedge of guilt into his heart, that he heard as he registered the dagger in his stomach. It's too much for Vax. 

Vex doesn't understand his reaction, but she holds him protectively nonetheless as Gilmore breaks off mid sentence, looking at Vax. "You're awake. How are you feeling?" The rich timbre of his voice and the crinkle of his eyes as he smiles are exactly the same as usual, but to Vax they are a reminder of the evening's events. Vax sits up but folds even further into his sister, who takes out a spare cloak and covers him with it.

Gilmore continues to keep moving towards him with his hands outstretched, not knowing how he is affecting his friend. "Don't." Vax's voice cracks and he squeezes Keyleth's hand and Vex's arm. Everyone freezes. The half elves holding Vax seem thoroughly confused, but not as much as Gilmore, who also looks very hurt at Vax's outburst. 

Not even Scanlan cracks a joke as Vax gets his bearings. "When Hotis... came to me, he... he wanted to talk. He brought m- me the robe as a gift. We- we went to the roof...." Vax has to take a break from his story. His voice is shaking too much, and his eyes are unfocused and staring at the ground. 

Vex, however, seems to have figured out what he was getting at, and gives Gilmore a look full of pity, but remains silent. Gilmore, along with the rest of Vox Machina, is still confused. Vex shares a meaningful glance with Percy, who also seems to have realized exactly what happened to Vax and moves to put himself between Vax and Gilmore. He doesn't mean any harm to their friend, but right now Vax needs to feel safe, and that can't be easy with the man bearing the face of the one who nearly killed him standing right in front of him. 

With that, Vax can finally finish speaking. "Hotis can look like anyone... sound like anyone.... be anyone he wants to be. So he came to me as someone that...." He pauses to pick the right words. It's more difficult than he had imagined it would be. "...someone that I trust." Vax takes a deep breath and finally looks back up into Gilmore's bright eyes. "Shaun... he- he came to me as _you_." He's shaking, but he manages to hold Gilmore's gaze just long enough to see realization, then shock, and then seething anger cross his face. 

Deep down, Vax knows his anger is meant for the rakshasa, but in the moment all his exhausted mind can register is that this is the same face he saw just before he was stabbed. The uncomfortable thought crosses his mind that Hotis had a surprisingly accurate impression of what rage might look like on Shaun's usually kindhearted and welcoming face. Vax can't control his body any more, he breaks his gaze with Gilmore and turns into his sister's shoulder, shaking violently.

Gilmore takes a step back, finally understanding the magnitude of the situation and how he's unitentionally been making Vax uncomfortable. Everyone is focusing on Vax, so nobody sees the guilty expression on Gilmore's face as he stares down at Vax's sobbing form longingly. He can't do anything to fix this. He can't sit down and talk to Vax about his troubles when he's the one who reminds him of them. So he apologizes and turns to leave Vox Machina behind in the underground chamber. For the second time in as many weeks, he accepts his heartbreak from Vax without question.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long to update. I may have gotten sidetracked by finishing up the Anniversary event in Overwatch.
> 
> I don't have a beta for this, so please let me know if you see any major grammar/spelling errors that need to be fixed!

It takes Vax a good fifteen minutes to stop shaking, during which Grog has squabbled with Vex and relinquished a fancy, non-flaying robe, and Percy has explained the situation to his sister and her council. They've also discovered the lengths it will take for Vox Machina to truly kill the rakshasa, but aren't quite yet ready to deal with him yet. Besides, it would be months before Hotis reformed himself enough to attack them again. Vax finally pulls himself together and puts on the ridiculously formal robe that Grog has handed him and stands up, leaning on his sister's shoulder. "Thank you," he says quietly enough that only she hears. Vex gives him a silent smile of acknowledgement before she begins helping him back out of the underground ziggurat and into the castle.

It's still dark outside, Vax notes as they walk through the halls to the room he was staying in, which is a good thing, he supposes. He's absolutely exhausted, and so is the rest of his family from the evening's events. None of Vox Machina really wants to be separated right now, so Grog and Scanlan round up all the pillows and blankets they can and throw them into the center of Vax's room. "Right then," Pike says, "We're all staying here tonight. Come on!" And with that she dives headfirst into the linens, followed shortly by Scanlan shouting "Yahoo!"

This is exactly what Vax needs, being snuggled by his sister on one side, and Keyleth and Percy and Grog and the gnomes piled all around him. He manages to fall asleep again with only minimal effort, surrounded by his family.

When Vax wakes, he is alone. Sunlight filters in through the castle’s windows and he’s clearly slept well into the day. No wonder Vax is alone; the others were probably very hungry. Well, there’s nothing like a good breakfast after a rough night, he supposes, donning his armor and making his way towards the kitchen.

He only makes it about a quarter of the way there before something stops him in his tracks. Gilmore, head deep in a book, is walking towards him from the opposite direction. Vax instinctively tries to shrink into the shadows using one of the ornate pillars in the hallway. He holds his breath, shaking just as much as he did when Gilmore approached him the night before.

Time seems to stretch as Gilmore’s footsteps draw closer, and Vax prays to the Raven Queen to _please don’t let him see me please please **please leave me alone**_. Gilmore reaches the pillar and stops, lifting his head from his tome. He looks around for a moment, then sighs deeply and returns to his stroll, the book still open in his hands. 

After another minute, Vax finally lets himself breathe again. _Thank you_ , he tells the Raven Queen and continues his trek to the kitchens. He can smell the food now, and lets the delicious aroma of breakfast delicacies guide him down a set of winding stairs and through another corridor before he finally reaches the dining room.

Sure enough, his family is already well into their meal. Grog’s face is completely covered with some sort of potatoes, much to the delight of everyone around him. Even Cassandra shares a rare smile at his antics. 

Vax watches the scene quietly from the door, and of course it’s his sister who first realizes his presence. “Vax, darling, come get some food! The bacon is magnificent.” It’s a usual greeting for times when he’s overslept in the past, so he smiles and goes to sit in the empty seat next to Keyleth, pinching Vex’s ear teasingly as he passes her. She wasn’t wrong about the bacon either.

This is exactly what Vax needs: a normal morning. He still doesn’t want to think about why he’s reacting strangely to Gilmore, but he also doesn’t want to treat him the way he had. Gilmore was a good friend, the closest he had outside of Vox Machina. If Vax can make it through the morning like nothing had happened to him, he’ll be able to face Gilmore and apologize for how he’d treated him, and everything would go back to the way it was.

Satisfied with his conclusion, Vax joins in on the boisterous laughter of the table caused by Scanlan’s having turned his scrambled eggs into a makeshift beard and dancing on the table. “My name is Grog, and I love ale!” His hearty baritone rings across the room.

“Seriously, how did you get the eggs to stick like that?” Keyleth asks, intrigued. Grog is pretending—very poorly—to be offended by Scanlan’s impression of him. Scanlan just grins at her and moves to stick some more scrambled eggs to Grog’s face, plastering his eyebrows with yellow. It looks absolutely ridiculous, and the whole table is once again reduced to relentless giggling.

Scanlan then turns around and continues his song, praising Grog’s beard to the ends of Exandria. Keyleth turns to Vax and attempts to use her Druidcraft to plaster eggs onto Vax’s face, which he allows. It doesn’t go the way she hoped it would, so she throws it at Scanlan instead. Ever the awkward instigator of Vox Machina’s most interesting moments, she shouts “FOOD FIGHT!” and all hell breaks loose, much to Cassandra’s chagrin.

Still, it’s a fun morning, and a much-needed break after having fought a member of the Chroma Conclave. After all the food has been either eaten or weaponized, Scanlan and Keyleth use their magic to help clean up the mess they’d made in the dining room and everyone agrees that using the day to rest up is a good idea, and, for the most part, head their separate ways within the castle.

Percy makes a beeline for the castle’s library after warning Grog and Scanlan not to get too carried away with the shenanigans that everyone already knows they’re bound to get up to. Keyleth goes to meditate beside the Sun Tree, saying something about needing to catch up with her “super chill” friend. This leaves Vax to assist his sister in giving Trinket a much needed bath.

“You should still be recovering in bed, brother, not out forcing your nephew to bathe,” Vex says, trying to get Vax to rest more after the evening’s events.

Vax just shakes his head and grins, flinging some soapy water at his twin. Vex shrieks in mock-horror and retaliates, leaving Trinket to growl nonthreateningly at having to be caught up in the mess. After the twins have been thoroughly soaked, they return to washing Trinket. He shakes when they finish, soaking their nearly-dry clothes once again. The twins freeze in their tracks and turn to look at Trinket in tandem, who just seems to shrug indignantly as if to say “you deserved it.” 

Neither Vex nor Vax can fault him, so they get dried up and head back inside, where Vex forces Vax to return to his room. “Brother, you need to sleep.” The door to Vax’s bedroom opens to reveal a freshly made bed and a floor clear from everyone else’s things, seemingly returned to their proper rooms by the castle’s staff.

Vax tries to respond. “Vex’ahlia, I’m fine, rea—“ 

“I don’t care if you say you’re okay; you nearly died last night. Go. To. Bed.” Vex takes her brother’s arm and pulls him firmly but gently away from the door and makes him get into bed after disrobing. “Just call on the earring if you need anything.”

Vax wants to argue, but as soon as his ass hits the soft linens he agrees that he probably needs more rest. He said he was fine, but damn if he didn’t immediately feel weary again once he was in bed. “Yeah, okay, okay…” Vex kisses his forehead and excuses herself, presumably to join Percy in the library.

* * *

There’s a slight jostle to Vax’s bed. He feels as if he’s slept for days, but his eyes still won’t open. _Oh well_. It’s warm under the blankets, and whoever is sitting at the foot of his mattress hasn’t said or done anything since they’ve arrived. Even without his sight, Vax can tell it’s someone familiar, someone he trusts completely.

Is it Keyleth? _I hope it’s Keyleth_ , Vax thinks. Keyleth is funny and kindhearted and spirited and shines like the fucking sun. _I love her. I told her that_. But she can’t love him, can she? She told him as much already. She is on a quest in order to prove her worth as the leader of her people. She is going to live for hundreds of years, much longer than Vax or Vex or any of the rest of them. _I hope she’s happy, at least_. Vax won’t pressure her anymore.

It’s not her, then. It’s not Vex either, she would have sat closer or forced him to wake up. Vex would have stood in the door if she wanted to watch him sleep, and if she sat down on his bed then she would have had something to say and woken him up. Not Vex. Then who?

Vax doesn’t want to open his eyes, even though he knows that he should. _What if it’s someone dangerous?_ They don’t feel dangerous though. _Just a little longer, then_. Vax is comfortable, and he’s not going to alert his friend to his being awake. They’re here for a reason, and if it takes them time to start speaking or move to wake him then he’s willing to wait. He’s got nothing better to do right now anyway.

He doesn’t know him much time has passed, but eventually Vax’s visitor starts to speak very softly. It’s definitely a man, judging by the rich timbre of his voice. He speaks with an accent, in an almost sing-song like manner. It’s beautiful, and absolutely lovely to listen to. Vax could listen to him speak all day, even if he can’t make out what he is currently saying. 

It does sound like he is repeating the same phrase over and over again though. It doesn’t matter to Vax, though. _His voice is so smooth_. If it’s somehow possible to be even more comfortable than he was before, that’s where Vax is now. But what is he saying? 

The voice starts to get louder. Slowly, it grows in volume, but retaining its silky, lilting tone. Eventually, Vax starts being able to hear exactly what is being said. 

“—e.”

“—me.”

“—rt me.”

 _Wait_. Vax fidgets uncomfortably in his bed now. He knows that phrase. The voice is ever so beautiful and comforting. It’s safe. It’s supposed to be safe, right? _No, please don’t_. Vax knows who this is now, he would be able to recognize that voice anywhere, across dimensions even. _No!_

“—u hurt me.”

“You hurt me.”

Vax’s eyes fly open and he comes face to face with Hotis. Only this time, instead of having to watch Gilmore’s face morph into that of the rakshasa’s, Vax can only watch in terror as the face of a tiger becomes that of Shaun Gilmore.

Hotis’ sneer looks completely out of place on Gilmore’s face, but the effect it has on Vax is the same. He can’t move, he’s immobilized under his blankets by fright as Gilmore raises his arm. A dagger materializes in his hand.

“You. Hurt. Me”

He speaks one last time as his bring the dagger down into Vax’s chest, and everything goes black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I am going on a trip for the next couple of weeks, so I apologize in advance for the delayed update. I promise I'll get back on it as soon as I come home!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally have an update! A vacation followed immediately by getting my wisdom teeth pulled does not make for very productive writing. I just couldn't leave the cliffhanger any longer though, so here's a short chapter until I can get back on my feet and write more!

Gilmore plunges the shimmering dagger into Vax’s chest. He screams, in a way that he’s never done before. Gilmore chuckles and twists the blade, cutting even deeper— 

—And Vax bolts upright in bed, gasping. The curtains are drawn and his clothes are strewn across the floor, exactly where he left them when Vex forced him to bed. He’s completely alone. 

_A nightmare. That’s all it was. Shaun wouldn’t do that to me._

Vax tries to convince himself of that fact, but it’s not very compelling after that dream. He’s not entirely sure that he’ll be able to face Gilmore again, even with the plan he’d created only a few hours earlier. That feels like days ago already.

He reaches up to his earring to call for his sister with a shaking hand. “Vex’ahlia,” he manages to choke out, “Could you come here, please?”

Her response is immediate. “Of course, darling, I’m on my way.”

The rest of Vox Machina hears him on the open channel as well. “Vax? Did something else happen?” Grog asks, audibly ready for a fight.

Pike and Keyleth chime in simultaneously. “Are you alright?”

He can hear genuine concern in their voices, and it’s more of a comfort to him than the blankets he’s curled up to his chest. “Hey guys. I’m… I’m alright. I just want to see my sister right now.”

“Okay… but if you need anything, let us know. I’m staying in the castle, but Percy’s taking Grog and Scanlan into town. I think Keyleth might be joining them?” Pike says.

“Maybe,” Keyleth responds, “I want to meditate with the Sun Tree a little longer, see if he can help us with the conclave…” 

Vax smiles at this. “That’s my Kiki. I’ll see you all at dinner?”

Grog pipes up again, chuckling. “Well, we’ll see about that, won’t we?” Percy isn’t on the earpiece right now, but Vax swears he can still hear him sigh deeply. It makes him smile.

Shortly after they finish speaking, Vax hears a knock on his door. “Who is it?” He calls teasingly.

“Only your doting sister!” Vex sings back. “Hope you’re decent.” The door opens and Vex comes in.

Vax feels sudden overwhelming relief at his sister’s entrance and realizes that he’s been crying. Funny how he didn’t realize. “Oh, Vax, darling, it’s okay.”

Vex hurries to the bed and sits down next to her brother, who’s wrapped himself in blankets entirely. She hugs him, and doesn’t let go while she waits for Vax to calm down enough to tell her what’s on his mind.

Eventually, he stops shaking, but he continues to rest his head on Vex’s shoulder. He tells her about the nightmare he had and begins to explain how badly affected by it he was, but she shushes him. She knows how complex his relationship with Gilmore was to begin with, and doesn’t need an explanation to understand where it stands now.

Instead, Vex just keeps holding him and lets him recover. She braids his hair like he’s done for her so many times, and eventually he sits up to face her. “I don’t know where I’d be without you.” It’s candid, and nothing Vex hasn’t heard from him before.

She smiles, and takes her brother’s hands. “You’d be at the bottom of a ditch somewhere, but then again so would I. We stay together, yeah?” She pulls him closer and kisses his forehead. “We stay together, and Vox Machina stays together. We’ll help you get through this.”

Vax smiles and kisses her forehead in turn.

“So, uh, I do have to tell you something…” Vex starts, looking a little sheepish as she pulls away from him. Vax recognizes the look on her face, and he knows that he’s not going to like what comes out of her mouth next.

“You know that we have a very large threat to deal with, and you know that everyone in our little family has your back.” Vax nods. “At dinner tonight, we will be meeting to discuss our next step, and a lot of people are going to be there. You’ll be surrounded by our best allies.”

Vax knows where this is going now, and tries to put on a strong face for his sister’s sake, as well as his own. He’ll be okay, he can make it through this.

“Vax, darling, Gilmore is going to be there. He’s a key part of protecting Whitestone, and one of the mo—“

“It’s alright, Vex. I have to face him again sometime.” Vax smiles, but his shaking body gives away his nerves. He knows he shouldn’t be, but he’s scared as hell at the thought of having to face Gilmore again so soon. “I have to do this. Besides, dear sister, you’ll be there.” 

Vex nods aggressively. “I will, and you’ll be sitting in the middle of all of us. Grog even offered to stand behind you, if you want.”

He’s embarrassed to admit that would make him feel safer. But no, he can’t be terrified of Gilmore forever. He doesn’t want to be terrified of Shaun forever. Not after everything they’ve been through.

“Vex, I’ll be fine. Just, promise me you’ll stay by me?” She nods vigorously again and pulls him in for another hug. He’s going to be okay; he just has to get through dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ....And it was all a dream! Now we'll see how dinner goes. This one will take some time, but I promise we'll have a confrontation!
> 
> As always, I don't have a beta, so please let me know if something is up! Comments and kudos make my day.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy crap, I did not mean for it to be so long before my next update. Sorry folks! I'm super busy and I promise I'm doing my best.

After a while, Vax insists that he's feeling better and shoos Vex off to clean up before dinner so that he can do the same. _Shaun is a friend. I can do this_. Vax keeps repeating the phrase over and over again as he draws a warm bath to soak in. He has at least an hour or two before the rest of Vox Machina comes to get him for the meeting. Once the water in the ornate Whitestone tub is hot enough to Vax's liking, he slips in to soak and gather his wits.

A plan. That's what he needs: a plan. He'll be with his family, and he'll also have the Whitestone staff and other powerful magic users in the room with him. For fuck's sake, Vax is also a capable fighter, so from a logical standpoint Vax already knows that he has no reason to feel unsafe. But there's still a small feeling in the back of his mind, buried deep, telling him the Gilmore is the one who wanted him dead. He doesn't want to be, but he is very afraid. It's a more primal, more vulnerable side of Vax that he doesn't want to give in to. 

The worst part is that Vax knows that how he reacted after Hotis' attack probably also hurt Shaun. He already hates the memory of their conversation in that back alley tavern. More than anything, Vax wants to take back everything that happened that night. Maybe if his relationship with Gilmore hadn't been so tense from that moment, neither of them would be feeling so wrecked right now. 

_No. I don't want to take back that night._ No matter what was said, at the end of it all Vax had finally given in to what he'd wanted to do ever since he'd gotten to know Shaun. Vax closes his eyes and sinks deeper into the tub, trying to remember what kissing Shaun felt like. He remembers the ambiance of the tavern, the music playing in the corner and the rest of his party scattered inside and out. He remembers the sad look in Shaun's eye, the same one he'd glimpsed on Shaun's face when Vax explained exactly how the rakshasa had manipulated him. 

And then he remembers leaning in and pressing his lips against Shaun's. Vax's hands rest on Shaun's face as he takes a moment to register what was happening before hesitantly kissing him back. The kiss lasted only a moment, but it felt so much longer to Vax. Shaun tasted of cinnamon and magic, and there was an electricity between them that Vax doesn't think he'll ever be able to forget. Shaun pulls away, and his eyes are open wide and full of love, but there's also something broken deep inside them.

Even now, Vax regrets putting that look in his eyes. He steps out of the tub and dries himself off before re-donning his armor and going to sit on the edge of the bed to braid his hair. There's nothing he wants more than to be able to spend time with Gilmore like he used to. Now that he thinks about it, the memory of kissing Shaun didn't evoke any kind of fearful reaction from Vax at all. 

Is that the key? Vax doesn't get a chance to think about all the implications _that_ might have, because right at that moment Grog and Scanlan barge into his room loudly discussing beans. 

"Listen, Scanlan, right, if beans are hot, then they can't be cold. I know my temperatures!" Grog emphatically waves his arms as he storms over to Vax's bed and plops down on the opposite opposite side.

Scanlan gives Vax a knowing wink. "Grog, would I lie to you? It's possible for a bean to be so hot that it feels cold, or for a bean to be so cold it feels hot." 

Grog purses his eyebrows and thinks really hard for about a thirty seconds before slouching his shoulders and responding. "Yeah okay, that makes perfect sense! I understand." He crosses his arms and moves his chin up, the way he does when he's pretending to be intelligent. Vax and Scanlan share a look.

Vax moves to climb onto the bedpost and stand so that he can look Grog in the eyes and give him a noogie, or try to as Grog holds him at bay with just his shoulder. Eventually he gives up and sits back down beside Scanlan, who has moved to lean against Grog's giant back. "I'm surprised you even know the word 'temperature', Grog," Vax says.

At this, Grog looks genuinely proud. "Pike taught it to me. She teaches me lots of things." 

"Yeah, she does buddy," Vax responds. The trio gets into a pillow fight that nearly turns violent and may have involved Bigby's hand before Percy and the girls come to get them for the dinner. Vax appreciates Grog and Scanlan showing up to calm his nerves beforehand, and he really does feel a lot more calm about facing Gilmore again than he did this morning.

_I can do this._

* * *

As luck would have it, Vox Machina chances upon Gilmore in the hallway, escorting Allura to dinner. Allura wears her customary robes, but Gilmore has swapped his purple and gold linens for a black tunic lined with a shimmering blue. It's a good look for him, Vax thinks, although he can't do more than glance at Gilmore's face. Still, it's enough for him to notice the dark circles that underline his eyes, which seem to carry a concerned weight to him. Vax doesn't know whether or not he looks away out of fear or of guilt.

Vex, at least, takes the initiative in the conversation before the silence can get awkward. "Where's Lady Kima? I thought she'd be with you," she asks, slinging an arm protectively around her brother.

Allura smiles shyly at Vex's assumption, but responds nonetheless. "She is, ah... attempting to sort out a dress for the evening. I told her that her armor was hardly appropriate, even in a time such as this." Vax knows she means no harm in the statement, but he looks down at his raiment and instantly feels bad for what it implies. The rest of his group is of course also wearing combat gear, but he stands out in his black, raven-feathered attire.

And it's clear that Gilmore has noticed the way Vox Machina curls around Vax, and that he's still wearing his armor. It's made much more obvious when Kima bounds up the hallway to join them wearing a pale green dress that she's clearly very uncomfortable in. She glares at Allura when she sees Vax and his friends in their gear, but it softens quickly into a smirk when she sees how happy Allura is with her having dressed up. 

Vax avoids Shaun's gaze, but chances a look back at him only to see that he's already started making his way towards the dining hall, Grog keeping pace for as much the food's sake as well as keeping somewhat of an eye on Gilmore. Vax looks to his sister, not entirely sure of what he wants to communicate to her. She smiles sympathetically and they follow the others to Whitestone's grandest dining hall.

As promised, Vax sits surrounded by Vox Machina at one end of the table, although Grog doesn't actually stand threateningly behind him. He's glad of that.

The evening progresses, filled with battle plans interspersed with delicious food. Vax contributes only when he's asked a specific question, preferring as usual to let leaders like Kiki and Percy hash out the strategy. He's always rushed in without much of a plan anyway, for all the good that's ever done him. 

So instead, Vax studies Gilmore. Shaun threw himself into the conversation right away without even looking at Vax. From with the relative safety of his friends' company, he can more clearly see what a toll the events of the past few days have had on Shaun. In addition to the bags under his eyes, his hair is tied in an unkempt knot and he also hasn't bothered to do his eyeliner, which is an incredibly rare occurrence for him. Vax has only seen him without it once before, and that was when he had accidentally walked in on him in his shop before he was ready to see him. It had been an awkward start to their lunch, but a great afternoon nonetheless.

Vax smiles at the memory, and Gilmore chooses that exact moment to turn his head and look at Vax. Their eyes meet, and both of them flinch. Vax's smile disappears for an instant and he hates himself for the way that Gilmore's expression just breaks. It shouldn't be possible for him to look worse off than before, but _gods_ does Shaun look shattered. In an attempt to make up for it, Vax purses his lips in a firm expression that doesn't really convey any emotion, but he nods, and hopes that the look in his eyes can tell Gilmore how he feels, even though he doesn't quite know himself.

_You always used to know me better than I know myself. Do you understand me now? I know it wasn't you, but my body can't tell. I can't help it. I don't want it to be like this. I'm trying to fix this, I promise, just give me a little more time. I can't do this alone. Shaun, I'm so sorry I keep hurting you. I'm trying; gods Shaun, **I miss you so much**._

There's no way he can communicate to Gilmore the exact turmoil in his head, but they maintain eye contact for longer than Vax had expected them to. Finally, Gilmore creases his eyebrows and nods grimly back at Vax before turning again to Allura and rejoining the conversation as though the moment never happened. Vax, however, reacts. He gasps, and Vex reaches for his hand under the table to squeeze it. It's comforting.

But Vax is proud that he isn't shaking. He didn't even notice until after Vex took her hand back to finish eating her duck, but he doesn't feel like he has to run away and hide anymore. Now when he looks at Shaun, all he feels is guilt, and suddenly it's unbearable.

Vax stands up immediately and the table goes silent. "I'm sorry, I..." He looks at Gilmore, who's still wearing that stony expression with eyes that can't conceal the pain, and he has to get some air. Now. "Excuse me, I have to go." He takes off for the main stairwell. Vex goes to follow him, but he waves her off. On the earring, he tells them he needs to go outside and that he'll call if he needs them, but he takes it out after they reply. Right now, what he needs is space.

He heads up the stairs and wanders through the castle until he winds up in the last place he ever expected to be. Vax is back on the roof balcony where Hotis stabbed him. The memory bothers him, but the expression on Shaun's face downstairs at this very moment is far more prevalent and painful than Hotis' twisted snarl was. And it hurts, because he knows that he's the one who put it there.

Vax has broken Gilmore's heart too many times, and this time he doesn't know that their friendship will survive, much less the tattered remnants of anything else. Vax leans over the edge of the railing and hangs his head. "Shaun... I'm so sorry, Shaun. Everything I've done to you. Fuck, what have I done?" There's no way he'll ever be able to fix this.

"Vax'ildan, my dear, I believe we need to talk." Vax jumps and whirls around, but manages to refrain from pulling any weapons when he realizes that Gilmore has come up behind him. The look on his face has changed into a more neutral expression but the haunted look in his eyes hasn't changed. Gods, Vax must really be losing it if he didn't notice his arrival.

Vax relaxes his posture as much as he can, and turns around to lean on the railing again. "Yeah. Yeah, we do."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaannnddd another cliffhanger, sorry! This just seemed like a good place to end it. Let me know what you think!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realize that this has sadly become a theme for me, but I am so damn sorry that it took me months to get this out. My first semester turned out to be A LOT busier and more stressful than I thought it would be and I'm currently having a lot of personal issues, but I'm here now. 
> 
> Also, how about Taliesin's oneshot, huh?

When Vax puts his weight onto the railing, he realizes belatedly that this is the same balcony he was on with Hotis the night he was stabbed. The thought brings him no measure of comfort as he stares at Gilmore, trying to ground himself to the fact that it's really him and not a demon hellbent on revenge. For his part, Gilmore doesn't move forward. It looks like he wants to move closer and sling his arm around Vax as he used to do during their heart-to-hearts, but he clearly doesn't want to make Vax uncomfortable. Vax's stomach churns with guilt and a warm feeling that he doesn't want to think about.

It's hard for Vax to find the right words to express the turmoil inside his head. Hell, he doesn't even really know what he's feeling at the moment. The fear that's been constant for him since Hotis stabbed him is most certainly still there, but he focuses on trying to separate the Gilmore in front of him from the one in his nightmares.

Gilmore, for his part, says nothing. He just looks at Vax solemnly, unsure as to which of the pair should be the first to speak. Finally, though, he takes the initiative. "Vax, I... I know I remind you of what happened with that rakshasa, but I assure you that I haven't changed. Is there nothing I can do to help you?"

Vax takes a second to steady his breathing before he replies, but his voice still comes out a little raspy. "I don't know." It's an honest answer, although it's not one that helps them much. It also doesn't move the conversation forward, and the silence that follows is even more awkward than the initial one. Eventually Gilmore begins to speak again, but Vax cuts him off.

"I'm so sorry Shaun."

GIlmore shuts his mouth immediately, a calm but firm scowl crossing his face. He looks upset, not so much in anger but in complete and utter guilt. "Sorry? My dear, what could you possibly have to be sorry about?" 

Vax backpedals for a second. Does Gilmore think Vax is an idiot? That Vax can't pick up the details of how acting like Gilmore is an enemy has affected the man? Gilmore very clearly has not slept since the incident, and hasn't cared about maintaining his aesthetic, something he takes great pride and care in. Even his garb is somber. He wears his heart on his sleeve, and Vax has done nothing but tear at it in the past few weeks. _What don't I have to be sorry for?_

GIlmore's eyes crease as he moves to reach out for Vax, but thinks the better of it at the last second. Vax flinches, but he can't tell whether or not it's because he reacted to Gilmore or because Gilmore hesitated because of him. On impulse, he pushes off the railing and takes a step toward Gilmore. 

"Shaun, I am so... so very sorry that I've pushed you away. That I continue to- to hurt you. I never meant for any of this to happen." He takes another step, now only a few paces from Gilmore, whose hands are clenched as fists at his sides.

"You are not the one who has to apologize. You were attacked, by a- a _thing_ that used my face to hurt you. I'm the one who has to apologize, Vax'ildan..." He trails off as Vax keeps moving towards him without hesitation. Vax's fight or flight instincts are firing like crazy right now, but he forces himself to remain resolute. He has a goal to accomplish, and he's always faced his fears head on.

Gilmore actually takes a step back when Vax reaches him, unsure as to what he's planning to do. Vax reaches out and grabs one of Gilmore's hands to clasp in both of his and bring them to his cheek. "I trust you Shaun. He was able to hurt me because _I trust you_ , as much as the rest of my family." He can feel Gilmore's- no, _Shaun's_ trepidation, and looks him in the eye unflinchingly. "I still trust you, and I always will. I just need- needed time to remind myself of that." He closes his eyes for just a moment and when he opens them again he's aware that Shaun can probably see the tears beginning to well up in his eyes. "And I'm sorry that I keep betraying you."

"Oh, my dear Vax..." Shaun tentatively brings his other hand up to rest on Vax's shoulder and pull him closer, into a hug. "Nothing you have done has betrayed me. You've only ever been honest with me."

"But I haven't been honest with myself. That night, at the tavern-" 

Shaun doesn't let him finish, shushing him with his finger. "You don't get to apologize again, not for that. I don't regret anything, and neither should you. We can move past this." Even as he says it, Vax can see that maddeningly familiar heartbreak returning to Gilmore's eyes. He shakes his head violently and Shaun lets go of him immediately, afraid of having triggered another panic attack.

Instead, Vax grabs the lapels of Shaun's tunic and pulls him down to his height. "No. I have to say this." _I have to say this before I hurt you again,_ Vax finishes the sentence in his head. "Shaun, I was wrong. Gods, I'm always so wrong about so many things but I've fucked up what we have more than I've fucked anything else up in my entire life." Shaun gives a small laugh at that, knowing how many times Vax has ballsed up before. "I'm gonna be honest with myself from now on, which means I _need_ to tell you that- that if you'll have me... I want to give us a chance. A real one this time."

Shaun is visibly stunned, and doesn't react for a second. Then that heartbroken expression that Vax hates so much fades from his face, and his features relax into a smile, and then a full blown grin. And then he's laughing. Vax pulls back awkwardly, unsure of what to make of his outburst before the urge to join Shaun's laughter is to great to resist and he starts to giggle. They hold onto each other for stability while they get it out of their system, and eventually tire out on one of the balcony benches. 

Vax's pulse is holding steady, and although he's still fighting the impulse to run, he feels comfortable leaning on Shaun again, like they used to do in Emon before the city fell. The clouds above Whitestone have parted slightly, and for once the barest glimpse of stars are visible in the night sky. They stay like that for a while, somehow to able to ignore the chill, until Vax's earpiece comes to life.

It's Vex. "Vax, darling? Gilmore left really soon after you did, so I just wanted to check in..." She's hesitant, and he knows that the rest of Vox Machina is waiting to hear his answer alongside her. They're probably still discussing battle plans at dinner. 

Vax tilts his chin to look up at Gilmore, who squeezes his shoulder a little bit, clearly still unsure of what his boundaries are. Vax reaches for Shaun's free hand and clasps it reassuringly. "Yeah, we're just fine. I promise." She responds in affirmation and leaves him to it, taking the hint that some privacy would be appreciated.

They don't say anything for the rest of the evening. There'll be plenty of time to sort things out later. Vax will still have nightmares about Hotis for a long time to come, and they still have to deal with the rest of the Chroma Conclave, but he knows that Shaun will be there for him through everything. Vax plans to make up for all that heartbreak he's caused Shaun, and vows to never put that look back in his eyes again. 

But all of that is in the future. They stay there, huddled together on the bench, for a long while, before returning to finish discussing strategy. But for that short amount of time, everything is peaceful, and the pair look into the night sky full of hope for the first time in what feels like ages. Vax is content.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's a wrap! To be honest I had a lot more planned, but I felt like this was the appropriate place to finish this fic. I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I've enjoyed writing it! Thanks so much to everyone who stuck around on this super long journey.
> 
> If you want to discuss Critical Role or just chat in general, you can find me on tumblr as azothisdead.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you all enjoyed this intro! Sorry it's so short, but I promise I'll post a longer chapter soon!


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